Happy New Year, Beloveds!
Wow, 2012 can fuck right off, can’t it? There was a lot of ugly in the world this year. Here’s to a 2013 with a lot less ugly.
Once, a long time ago, your professor worked running a choir for little adorable teeny-tinies. One day, one of these super cool little girls ran up to her and said “did you make any New Year’s revolutions?” This is why I love kids, even though I’m not a breeder. They say adorably surreal magical things sometimes. That thought made my head spin a bit. What if we didn’t make a bunch of petty, vain bullshit resolutions we would forget all about come March and that didn’t really change anything? What if, instead, we made a revolution. Some radical act that would really change us, and maybe spill over and change a bit of the world, too.
This year, my resolution is to break my connection with the beauty industrial complex. Your professor is addicted to lotions and potions and whatnots. I’ve sort of already started this. My focus is to not put chemically things on or in my body. When I moved recently, I looked at all my product. (see how deep I am in the beauty industrial complex? I just used the word “product”. Barf.) If I could have the thick stacks of Canadian twenty dollar bills I spent on all that excess shiz, I’d be happy. I mean, seriously. I believe that Sephora’s stock may have plummeted since I swore them off. Beauty don’t come in a box, beloveds.
Now, that being said, if putting on lipstick makes you feel awesome, DO IT. Me, though, I’m trying to reduce my reliance on an industry that makes its money off of making women feel bad about themselves. So, here are a couple of terrific things that are less chemically and more earthy-crunchy and cheaper and have I mentioned that they’re less chemically?
Henna. A while back, I decided to stop colouring my hair. Then, I ran into a problem. Namely, that I am super vain and do not like grey hair creeping into my mane. This is preference. I think people, and I might even be one of them, can rock the shit out of some grey hair. For me, I don’t want it. This is mostly due to a few years ago when your professor very foolishly tried to fool one of those “guess your age” mandudes at the carnival-type-place. I won the game. Yay, right. Nay, boo. Dude guessed older than I was. OH, barfedy-barf. I asked him “what was the tell?” and he said it was my greys. So, they had to go. Then, I realized that every time I coloured my hair, I got all naseousy and headachy and pukeyfainty. So, I sought out an alternative. I use a “henna cream” that has aloe or something up in it. It brings the highlights from grey to red, like in my youth when I got to play in the sunshine barefoot all the time and eat oranges right off of trees. I am totally not making any of that up.
Coconut Oil. Oh my god, I friggin’ love coconut oil. Want a moisturizer that your skin will soak right up? How’s bout, when mixed with sugar, a fabulous body scrub that will leave your skin smelling like a cookie and soft as silk? Want your hair to feel like magic? Want to use it for a shaving cream? Then get you to the health food location and buy a big ole jar. It’ll set you back in the neighbourhood of ten bucks and you will start using it for everything. It also makes the best popcorn on the stove ever ever ever.
So, my dear beloveds, make a new year’s revolution this year. Cut your ties to a branch of consumerism, love yourself unconditionally, and be who you are.
Happy New Year, God bless us, everyone,