Hello and happy Monday, beloveds.
Today and most likely every Monday we will be talking about things that are delicious. Delicious is the very embodiment of what nice is, internet. Here I will show you new wonders of culinary delights which you are cordially invited to shove in your face. Know what you will have then? A face full of AWESOME, that’s what.
Today we shall talk about indulging our inner child. Our, boozy, boozy, drunkedy drunk drunk inner child.
Your Professor does very important thinky thought work in the beautiful American Southland of Kentucky. What comes from Kentucky that is niceness, you might ask? Many, many things. Beautiful, muscular pocket sized horse jockeys, stunningly beautiful thoroughbreds that stand on majestic bluegrass rolling hills, Bluegrass music that is so virtuosic it will melt your face right off of your skull, and your Professor’s favourite thing. America’s contribution to world drinkyness, BOURBON!
“Oooooh!” You might be thinking. . .”I love Bourbon! I had a Jack and Coke last night”. Stop it, beloved, stop it right now. If your professor had just dismounted from a stunningly beautiful thoroughbred, she would smack you with her riding crop. Bourbon, America’s contribution to world drinkytimes comes from Kentucky. Specifically, Bourbon County Kentucky which is an actual real place that you can visit, in order to see where your Bourbon is borned! I recently did so, and made some luscious discoveries which we will cover at a later time.
I know what else you’re thinking, beloveds. You’re thinking “I have read too many wordy words, Professor. Please, for the love of all that is nice, tell me what to put in my mouth!”
1. Go to the store and buy some root beer. Do not buy diet root beer, that is just wrong for our purposes. Buy the most beautiful bottle of hand-crafted root beer made by tiny beautiful elves you can find. Buying cheap is not what nice is.
2. While at the store, purchase some ice cream. The choice is yours. Vanilla, I suppose, would work. The Professor recommends that you find something a bit more luscious, like your caramel ripple or even your dark chocolate. Do not, however, purchase the kind that has stuff in it. Stuff along the lines of brownie chunks or peanut butter cups or chocolate covered pretzels stuffed with peanut butter will not serve our purposes here.
3. Go to a proper store and purchase some proper bourbon. Ordinarily, your professor will only mix her bourbon with ice or her tears. So, don’t go crazy and buy a bottle of Blanton’s or Elmer T. Lee or Eagle Rare for this.* Get yourself a Maker’s Mark or a Knob Creek. Do not buy Wild Turkey, which is an abomination that should only be mixed with lemonade when you are out of everything else and the liquor stores are all closed because it is some stupid holiday you forgot about and then you have to make do.
When you have reached home, and it is five o’clock (somewhere) perform the following easy three steps:
1. Place a generous scoop of ice cream in a tall glass. For extra niceness, you should have put the glass in the freezer before you went to the store.
2. Pour an American Pour of Bourbon over your ice cream.
3. Open the elven-crafted root beer and pour it over the top. Insert a bendy straw, because they are a thing of beauty.
wait, there’s a step 4!
4. Thank your professor, because these are AMAZING.
*By all means, however, purchase these bourbons and drop in one cube of ice and savour. This has been your bonus niceness of the day.
Until tomorrow, I remain ever yours,